Young Male Masculinity…What A Girl Wants?
Posted by casey on 09-03-2008As a college girl, I am unsurprisingly completely intrigued by the behavior of boys. I read this recent article in USA Today (we linked to it in yesterday's Essentials) hoping that I would gain some sort of insight into the male psyche. I finished the article even more confused, mostly because men themselves don't even have it straight. Are they sensitive, caring, and readily available to fall in love? Or are they masculine, tough, and only interested in beer and sex?
I think one of the reasons that men are so conflicted as to how they're "supposed" to act is because women - and I'm speaking on behalf of my friends, my acquaintances, and yes, myself - don't know how they want men to act. They want someone to be sensitive, but they also want a tough guy who will throw a few punches for the sake of pride. They want someone who can knock back a few (um, dozen?) beers without forgetting his name, and who will be as up for going out as he is for kicking back and catching a chick flick.
Confusing, right? Poor guys don't stand a chance, and USA Today's article is further proof. From Young guys try to read society's road map for behavior:
Behavioral researchers say being a heterosexual male used to mean being macho, but guys today get mixed messages on all fronts as they navigate sex, drinking, friendships and the future. "The social messages … about how to be a good person or a good guy vary quite widely," says Glenn Good, professor of counseling psychology at the University of Missouri-Columbia.
Guys know they're supposed to treat women as equals," says Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the State University of New York-Oswego. "But we haven't changed masculinity and we haven't taught boys and men how to deal with these women. "We still tell boys and men they should be in charge and wear the pants," he adds. "Those are two messages — you want someone who is your equal, and you should still be in charge."
Guys pal around and do "guy" things, like play video games, talk sports, watch porn, binge-drink and hook up, which sociologist and gender studies expert Michael Kimmel of Stony Brook University-New York discusses in his new book Guyland. It's based on surveys of 13,000 students at 17 colleges about sexual "hooking up." And he interviewed 400 young men, most in their 20s. "The middle-class white idea of proving masculinity becomes the dominant form on campuses today. It's more intense and pervasive than ever before."
I also want to mention that a professor from my own school, the University of Missouri, is quoted. Though I've never heard this topic discussed in any of my journalism, sociology, or psychology classes, having such a large fraternity/sorority population, it's definitely an issue on campus. So what's the reason for so little chatter? What do you think - would this be considered one of those taboo topics that people aren't comfortable talking about?
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:56 pm
What is the confusion about? Guys can't figure out that they should be well-rounded, emotional-but-masculine, strong-but-sensitive individuals? Isn't the pretty-and-intelligent, capable-but-needing of help dichotomy of female behavior expected? What gentleman wants to date a girl he can't take home to mom? Or a girl that he can't take to a kegger? I hate to be harsh, but what this article says to me is that guys are too immature to know that there's a time and place for everything, and now "not knowing what society expects" is yet another excuse not to grow up.
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I think women are in a similar situation - I want a man that treats me as his equal but also is the protector (or "in charge" as the article states). That's difficult. What's also difficult is the dual roles that women are expected to play. Ugh. I think people don't talk about it because it's easier to just try and be yourself. I hope at least.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
As a guy, I always find it best to just act myself. Also just because you're a "sensitive" guy that doesn't mean you can't throw a few punches :) In the end, it's all about moderation and balance. It is neither gender's fault. If both parties in the relationship have good communications, they'll be able to talk about their wants and needs. IMHO.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Yes, gender roles are changing, but more for women than for men. Woman can demand equal treatment but still play the female-as-victim card when a relationship goes wrong. Women can behave in outrageously sexual ways, yet blame men for getting sexual ideas about them. A woman can spend much time with a man over many months, yet never think of sharing the costs of dating. Like it or not, women still expect men to take the lead, and to take the blame. Men are slowly becoming more aware of this kind of manipulation.
October 21st, 2008 at 5:35 am
In response to AmyG, I think you conveniently disregard it as "immaturity". I see a lot of my friends disregard or diss guys just because they aren't "masculine" enough. But just because someone is shy and not-confident doesn't make them less valuable as a human being.
This supposed "well-roundedness" is a mis-used word in place of "perfection". Which is not possible in human beings. Us girls/women need to stop imposing that on guys. In speaking to some of my guy friends, they say the worst thing a girl can do is act like she's better than a guy; because they know that we ourselves aren't perfect and that we're just fronting.
Point being, be yourself and accept people for their good points and bad points. I have all types of friends because I go out of my way to be friendly and talk to people. It's polite.