Friday Forum: Teen Girls Rebel With A Cause

Once again, Anastasia (Gen X) and I (Gen Y) exchange letters and invite readers to join the dialogue in comments. This week we decided to explore how the mother-daughter relationship in “Whip It” and other media measure up to the real thing. Here’s what happened…

Dear Meredith,

I went to see “Whip It” last night and pretty much agreed with your review – more “derby girl” backstories and less time on the indie boy love arch. That said, I recently had a conversation with a popular YA author who said, “Oh and make sure there is a cute boy in there somewhere,” i.e. an essential ingredient for attracting a mass teen/tween girl following. What really struck me in the movie was the relationship between Bliss and her mother (Miss Blue Bonnet turned blue pants wearing postal worker). I’ve been reading Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s book Nurture Shock and found their chapter on teen rebellion to have some interesting science backing up much of what we see in the movie, i.e. Bliss’s need to lie to her parents about her involvement in roller derby, which also involves sneaking rides on the blue haired Bingo bus to Austin, drinking and hooking up with the aforementioned cute indie guy.

According to a research study cited in Nurture Shock, 96 percent of teens reported lying to their parents about all the usual stuff: what they spend their allowance on, whether they’ve started dating, what clothes they put on away from the house, what movie they went to and who they went with, alcohol and drug use, whether they’re hanging out with friends parents disapprove of, how they spend their afternoons if parents work, whether a chaperone was in attendance at a party or whether they rode in a car with a drunk driver.

What was more interesting to me was why they lie – “the most common reason for deception was ‘I’m trying to protect the relationship with my parents; I don’t want them to be disappointed in me.’” This was clear in the relationship between Bliss and her mother – Bliss obviously loved her mother but knew that she would be disappointed that she preferred skates and bruises to custom made gowns.

Another insight in Nurture Shock was about why teens don’t want to share difficult situations/struggles with their parents – “To seek out a parent for help is, from a teen’s perspective, a tacit admission that he’s not mature enough to handle it alone.” It can be “psychologically emasculating.” Add to this the fear of being judged or the disappointment mentioned above, and you get the scene where Bliss, is in tears having eaten an entire casserole after a heartbreaking revelation (I won’t give it away), says to her mother right away, “Please don’t judge me.”

Most of the research on this generation says teens are much closer to their parents than in the past. And in a way, I think they are, at least in terms of sharing more pop culture references and using technology to keep in touch more often. I believe teens feel closer to their parents and may even respect them more….but I don’t think rebellion (in whatever form) and lying have really declined. What do you think?

Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

I wouldn’t do away with the guy completely. Just less. The female relationships in the film were so much more compelling. Especially the parallels between the team captain Maggie (Kristen Wiig) and Bliss’ mother. To your point about not wanting to hurt or disappoint a parent, I felt like the movie also nailed the very authentic element of adolescent self-defensiveness.

Yes, Bliss might have felt like she was protecting her relationship with Mom by concealing the  roller derby, drinking and boys, but when those lies were revealed and the *ahem* skates hit the fan? It immediately became about protecting her own ego, in turn causing her to become even further alienated from both parents. That temporary blindness and her emotional outburst felt really true to life to me. It also lead to a great moment with Maggie asking Bliss to look beyond her frustration and feelings of being misunderstood to see the insensitivity of those actions and how hurtful and upsetting it must have been from her mother’s perspective.

That insight (and Marcia Gay Haden’s overall rich performance) actually reminded me of the way great YA books handle the fraught dynamic between teen girls and their moms. Some recent examples that come to mind are   How To Say Goodbye in Robot by Natalie Standiford and Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Both do a great job of allowing for their teen narrators (like real teens) to pivot from a place of understanding the impact they’re having on their parents as real, flawed individuals who essentially want to do what’s best for them to one of disregarding any and all parental input as a misguided abuse of power.

As a teen you start to realize that the conflicts and value differences between you and your parents aren’t so cut-and-dry as they seemed, that your personal views and needs do have legitimacy.  At the same time, it’s hard to articulate your case with any authority because it feels so unprecedented. Plus when it comes to less PG behavior, your parents’ unwavering opposition just seems like a foregone conclusion.

So yes, I agree that the rebellious stage in a teen’s development isn’t going anywhere, but maybe what has changed (and what’s being reflected in media).. is that eventual shift in perspective (for most of us around the time we go to college) when your own inner Kristen Wiig sets you straight. That’s when you start picking up the phone or writing the emails/texts/ims that Postcard From Yo Momma are made from.

- Meredith

Dear Meredith,

I loved Maggie, too, for being as she said like “the cool aunt.” Having another adult female in your life who is NOT your mother but who you can talk to just seems to release the pressure valve that tends to exist between mothers and daughters – especially those with obvious differences (pageant mom with “alternative” daughter). I am hoping that I have a “cool aunt” type friend my own daughter (coming soon!) feels like she can talk to if or when she can’t talk to me as a teenager.

To your point about perspective, another factoid from Nurture Shock was when the need for autonomy is the strongest: “It’s not mild at 12, moderate at 15, and most powerful at 18.” It actually peaks around 14 to 15 (and is stronger at 11 than it is at 18). I definitely felt like I did my most hard core rebelling at age 15. So yes, I think you begin to get a more nuanced perspective on your parents as you become an older teen (Bliss is 17). I also think things like birth order factor into teen rebellion as well. And of course there are always the teens who are “perfect” throughout high school and then go crazy in college.

I loved the idea of the derby girls being an alternative family for Bliss. It’s not that she had to abandon her own family, but it speaks to the need for teens to have other adults in their lives who offer a different perspective. For me, I found that family working at a health food restaurant in Nashville where lots of aspiring songwriters and musicians worked. Tangentially, it was actually nice to see Bliss working at a part time job making Squealers. Part of the reason I love “Friday Night Lights” is that it’s such a welcome contrast to all the rich teen fare on The CW (of course it’s also in Texas!)…

- Anastasia

Ypulse Readers, don’t forget to weigh in with your own thoughts and picks for favorite media portrayals of mother-daughter relationships!